Sometimes manipulation is successfully masked as a good attitude.
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- You are being harmed.
The person helps you even if you didn’t ask for it, insists on giving advice you didn’t want. He undertakes to solve your problems, involves acquaintances of lawyers, doctors, and car mechanics, looks for a job for you, matches you with his relatives and friends, and so on. And he does all this very decisively, without consulting you or asking if you need his participation.
This kind of “benefactor” can also give you expensive gifts, and buy valuable things. In this case, he is guided only by his sense of beauty, not by your preferences, and most often he does not guess with the choice. As a result, you can not give up the presentation, and it lies idle.
Such gestures look very broad, and it’s hard enough to suspect violence or manipulation. But behind the desire, by all means, to solve your problems and do you good, there is often a lust for control.
The person has certain expectations about how you should live, and he, with the help of gifts and “support” is trying to reshape you to meet these expectations.
It also happens that the “benefactor”, consciously or not, seeks to bind you to himself. After the assistance you provide, you begin to feel that you owe him, and to refuse to communicate with him or to fulfill a request will be uncomfortable.
So unsolicited help in any form is a violation of boundaries. If they are persistently trying to do you a “kindness” that you don’t need, thank the person and politely but firmly refuse. And when you want to help someone, first ask how appropriate it is.
- Your wishes are not taken seriously.
You are very gently and delicately explained that what you want, you don’t need and that you need something else. And they make it clear in every possible way that you are an irrational creature and do not understand how to live your life, not like your partner, relatives, colleagues, or friends.
“Why would you want to move away from your parents? They’ll always take care of you here, the subway is nearby, it’s easy to get to work, and you don’t have to pay someone else’s rent.
“You don’t need a second degree, it’s too much stress and expense. You won’t be working anyway, it’s much better and quieter at home, with your children.
If we are talking about some fateful decisions, you will be persuaded long, methodically, and patiently, masterly play on your feelings, especially guilt and various fears and anxieties. Until you give up and allow yourself to be led to believe that your desires and needs are unreasonable and that your loved one knows better what you need.
In the most neglected cases, the victim of such manipulation completely loses her opinion and merges with the abuser.
She agrees with him in everything and looks at the world through his eyes. This kind of emotional abuse is called perspectives.
Of course, it also happens that a loved one is not going to control you and break your will, but genuinely worries that you may make the wrong choice and get into trouble. But in this situation, people talk openly, give good arguments, and still leave the right to choose, even if they do not agree with your decision. You can look here to find a good friend or life partner.
- You get a lot of praise.
“You have a great talent, you can achieve a lot. You just have to not be lazy and work hard.”
“You’ll win this contest, it can’t be otherwise.”
At first glance, that sounds pretty harmless. And for some, maybe even motivating. But such statements set the bar very high for a person and make him suffer if something does not work out.
Instead of moving toward your goals at a comfortable pace, you try to meet someone else’s expectations and are afraid of disappointing your partner, parent, or friend.
Therefore, if you want to praise someone, it is better to do without predictions in the vein of “With such intelligence, you should make a lot of money” – and to celebrate the successes that person has already achieved. And if they insistently try to motivate you with such compliments, try to cut off other people’s expectations and assumptions, and focus only on objective evaluation.
- You are forbidden to show negative emotions.
No one says, “Don’t you dare cry!” or “Smile immediately!” But if you are sad or angry, they try very hard to comfort you. And prove that your problems are not worth such strong emotions.
“Why do you kill yourself over such trifles?”
“Don’t get upset! This has happened to me before, and I got through it.”
At first glance, it seems like an attempt to cheer you up. But behind it there is often another motive: The person can not stand other people’s negative emotions and wants to quickly “hush” them up. Maybe he strongly empathizes with you and your pain hurts him. Or maybe he is just too lazy to deal with you and wants you to be comfortable and satisfied.
This approach is called toxic positivity, and it is not good for mental health. A person needs to live through his negative emotions, rather than push them deep inside.
- They don’t talk to you about unpleasant things.
Something is bothering you in your partner’s behavior or your relationship and everyday life, and you want to talk about it. But the man is dodging conversations that may be unpleasant for him or require him to do something.
He changes the subject, jokes off, offers to return to the discussion later, or even pretends not to hear, and continues to do their business.
This behavior is called vis-holding or, more simply, avoidance. It can be quite upsetting and offensive. The person does not seem to refuse to discuss problems, but nothing good comes of it all the same. And in the climate, a relationship of such ambivalence is not the best way.
It is difficult to resist vis-holding. If your loved one is doing so constantly, it is worthwhile to tell him directly that it upsets you. And if it does not work, see a marriage counselor. Or end the relationship: everyone deserves to be around a person who hears.